sugar coated razor blades and gumdrop bullets

sounds cool so i named muh post that i honestly have no real muse tonight nothing to right about or for im feeling quite negative actually but having seen that all my posts thus far are in fact primarily negative I;ll try to strafe away from the feeling :/ 

Moving on so their are some good things going on in my life here lately so i shall list these emissaries of hope:

1. Done with my freshmen year of college.

2. I have made many new friends out of the ants that have moved in to my room with the warm weather and have decided they can cawl on my arms to hug me?

3. Got me a new car which I am not sure if i like better than my old one but eh  1500 left me with some cash to play with.

Negatives:

1 A lot.

This is sad

• how sad i feel when im awake, like nothing is right, and it sucks because i just want to be asleep or occupied, i cant handle free time

Fucking

betrayed

that is all

Well,

then thats not entirely accurate now is it LeRoy?

Money

is just nickels and dimes, dollars and checks, so yeah Ill make enough to pay my debts and so I don’t have to sweat but the time with my friends, my girlfriend, to me that’s what really makes my life worth it at the end.

Random babbles

After my brief time here thus far, Ive come to some conclusions

All of us have these weird coming of age stories and no matter how crazy yours or mine are I’m almost certain some one somewhere has the same story, or has a better one. In my humble opinion we seem to be(all of (you in the U.S(across the globe)and other countries)  us) wandering about the world in our respective places trying to do what we want and wish to do while either trying to incorporate or rebel against what we are raised with or indoctrinated to believe which both have pros and cons. 

Id say if we were the sum of our parts we’d be a math problem that looked sort of like this

[Birth + experience +/-(upbringing) + friends]x[birth’ + experiences’ +/-(upbringing)]= life

If you haven’t figured it out by now I am not an arithmetic major…. but I digress

back to what I was trying to get across that the people we meet and attach ourselves to as seen in equation prime is what makes life unique while my story might be the exact same as yours if we were too meet up and attack our selves the sum of our lives are not the same as they were by  them selves(mathematically speaking its actually my life to the 2nd power) and again while there may be a limited supply of stories and each with varying rarity it is the people we match up with that create the interesting phenomena of chance which truly makes life random and unique too each of us.

I have no idea in this world what truly makes me happy and to be sincere my best shot is a 5’6” girl that has brown hair with blonde highlights, ocean blue eyes, a beautiful smile, a body that I will not go into detail on as I was once told “don’t put on the internet what you would not wish to be read on a billboard on the side of a highway” and as you may know or find out I am insanely jealous as is so I wont make it worse tonight.(moving on) so ultimately no I do not understand why in the world the girl who cant tell me what her favorite breakfast is or can have a civil argument about the movie chronicle with me is the same girl that makes the days that feel like too much to handle better and sometimes she doesn’t because i choose to not disclose the entirety or depth of this ungodly deposit of sadness underneath the soil because i was raised to walk through the mud and not to wallow in it. No she may never understand every minute detail of my existence and to be perfectly clear I would never expect her too because then we would both so bored with each other  that we might have to take up some droll activity together. And no things will not always be perfect and she may leave me tonight but all I can say is that she is my best and most favorite part of my life right now and I am grateful to her for that she keeps me in line and I love her and would be lost with her not by my side and forced to write these sort of things all day in substitution for a life.

in short tho the equasion for this phenomena is 

(bowe)+(alex)=life

No wonder

why guys act like that towards you„„,

so long

world and goodnight everythings gonna be fine

maybe everyone just needs a little time

to think or to sleep to starve or to eat 

maybe that girls not who she used to be 

but maybe she is and she just cant see

the shit shes putting me through just makes feel pretty 

bleak. 

Truth is

Truth is you may think you know me, you may think you can see my next move and you might even be right from time to time. Truth is you may think you know who I am, what I am, or what I am inside. Truth is you may think you know someone, you may actually know them so well you can guess what they’ll say or how they’ll act but only we know our selves. Deep down we all want to rise to the occasion, succeed, prove others wrong, and even show the world what we are and why we stand up when every thing else is weighing us down. 

When we lay down and let your views of us seep in that is when we truly fall. Not because we know were bad like you do, not because we think we’re fat, unattractive or annoying but because you know it. We no longer see our noble selves in the mirror, we see your truths your facts, and your statistics. We are all as Adam and Eve and we became naked upon eating your fruit. 

Truth is to me what water is to you. When yours pours in; mine spills out leaving my glass filled with your pure spring water and my tap water spilling out into the soil. 

Truth to me is I am good, I am moral, I am noble. I am the one who will stand up in front of hundreds. I am the one who will speak the words you couldn’t. Truth is I am strong and I am caring and I will fight for what I want, hold on to what is important, and love like no other. 

Truth is I am immoral, I’m corrupt. Im the one who will be a jerk. I am the insensitive one. I am awkward and I will argue over the dumbest things, and I will be so stupidly hurt over the smallest things, and truth is I’m so sensitive and cant handle anything.

I used to believe in my nobility, then I learned my wickedness and believed it too. 

The truth to me is uncertain inregards to what I am now but all I can believe now is that I am who I am and that I should always believe that and remember what others think while I may not agree Im not alone in this world. 

:/ 

I am pathetic

I am strong

Man

today is awful, i dont really have a home anymore i have a room in which im tennant paying rent, my girlfriends been neglecting to remember i exist, changed her profilepic from one of me and her to her in a sexy daphney outfit with the people she dressued up with at school.

:/ i just feel alone to be honest like completely isolated, i have no real friends besides one and the other is my gf:/ my dads my landlord and im broke:/